In different directions

dilatory \DIL-uh-tor-ee\, adjective:
1. Tending to put off what ought to be done at once; given to procrastination.
2. Marked by procrastination or delay; intended to cause delay; — said of actions or measures.

Dilatory is from Latin dilatorius, from dilator, “a dilatory person, a loiterer,” from dilatus, past participle of differre, “to delay, to put off,” from dis-, “apart, in different directions” + ferre, “to carry.”

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Yes, this is last week’s Weekly Photo Challenge word.
Yes, I haven’t posted in a week.
Yes, I have been very dilatory in the past week.

Rather perhaps, I have been forced into this very odd state of feeling dilatory. I do tend to procrastinate, especially the things I don’t like doing, but it has been an area of being disciplined in my daily life which has seen a lot of growth. I do far better when I am in a rhythm, with a set plan and schedule. Granted, I have learned a great deal about my expectations, flexibility and margins since having kids. It has whittled down what is both important and a priority. This week I found my pressing priority was to basically do nothing. Wow was that a hard pill to swallow. I felt so idle, so incapable, so off. It was very much like being on bed rest, Matt continually telling me I was trying to do too much, me resisting being restrained to idleness. Maybe it is appropriate this word gets posted half a week late. In addition, we misplaced the camera somewhere during my hospital stay between Labor&Delivery and home. After calling for the rest of the week, had given ourselves to the fact it was gone, which caused further lament because it’s loss meant my creative outlet of photography and this space would be gone too. Thankfully it turned up yesterday in our hospital room, now safely home with the above photos uploaded to Flickr. The whole week has left me very eager to get back to a state of feeling normal as well as my realization how much I take for granted my abilities and health. It has humbled me and reminded me of my dependence, my frailty and physical weakness.

Here’s me, hooked up to all the tubes, needles and monitors, lying idle, feeling vulnerable. I found myself here because I chose not to put off or delay my need to take care of myself, to allow myself to be taken care of and to step back allowing myself to fully recover. Yes, it has been hard, it feels odd, like I am being pulled in different directions and desires, and painfully slower than I would like. Now I am on the upswing and ready to start getting back out of this dilatory state. Praise for that!

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~ by gdesign on June 24, 2008.

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